Permission granted

One of the things that most people look forward to on their wedding day is their wedding night. Finally, the two of them can show each other the full measure of their love and share the deepest part of themselves. However, many people are not prepared or are terrified of this beautiful event. Either they have had bad experiences such as abuse or have been taught by their parents to avoid the topic, that sexual relations are unfortunately part of human nature rather than a form of godliness. But Hugh B Brown states, "There is no excuse for approaching this most intimate relationship in life without true knowledge of its meaning and its high purpose."

I'll share a personal part of my story with you about how I came to know that God endorses and desires for his children to share sexual intimacy with one another: when I was 5 years old, I was sexually abused (I know, great start). As a child, I believe God shielded me while allowing this trial to forever change and teach me. I escaped the situation as quickly as I could and it never happened again. But I did not feel as disgusted as I thought I should. It didn't physically hurt, rather, it felt tickly and gentle. Something must have been wrong with me.

Now I'm sure you can see the challenge and trial in this. I had inner turmoil about whether sex was good or bad the whole time I grew. When I was 11, I finally told my family what had happened. My family fought with our other accused family members until we could hardly talk to each other. It was even 13 years later when I had a blessed and rare experience of hearing an apology from my abuser. I had been married for a few years and had two children. Yet I did not know if I could forgive him (and I thought I needed to forgive myself) because of how "messed up" I was.

I looked at my beliefs again and realized that God had actually blessed me from my experience. Yes, it was wrong that I had been involved in that experience at such a young age and with the wrong person, but in my innocent frame I could tell that intimate acts are meant to be enjoyed. God wanted to not ruin my future experiences with sex, although so many others who have been abused do. The abuse was wrong because HE was not the one I should be sharing those sacred moments with. God only wants us to feel those beautiful feelings with our eternal companion. You just have to let yourself realize what God intends you to feel.

Now, there is a lesson in this story for married couples. I hope nobody has to come about them the way I did, and it may not seem to make full sense to anybody but me, but here it goes:

• God blesses us with the desire to share intimacy with one another, but also teaches us self-control by asking and pleading with us to protect it, to save it for our eternal companion.
• By making eternal covenants together and with the Lord, sex becomes one of the highest forms of worship. We show our love to Heavenly Father and Christ when we bind ourselves together not just physically and spiritually to prepare for the highest degree of glory in God's kingdom.
• There is nothing to fear or be ashamed of. Remember, fear is the opposite of faith, and originates from Satan's plan to make us miserable. Indeed, there is no better way to make a person feel miserable than to impede their enjoyment of righteous intercourse.
• Give yourself permission to speak openly about sex with your partner. Ask for the things you want, explain the things you don't. Ask your partner too. They want you to enjoy sex just as much as you want them to enjoy it. Respect their wishes, work as a team to make your personal moments a regular activity, as well as an uplifting one. 
•  If sex is becoming a chore or becomes boring, it's time to speak again. Give yourself permission to try new things, although only within righteous bounds and only things fully supported by both people. The LDS church's official declaration of January 5, 1982 states: "If a person is engaged in a practice which troubles him enough to ask about it, he should discontinue it."
• Teach your children early about how righteous sexuality is a blessing and a joy. You can reference A Parent's Guide for age-appropriate discussions.

A Look In the Mirror

Even the best marriages require a lot of attention and care in order to maintain its loving quality. As humans, even when we've worked hard to fix an issue in our marriage, by focusing on one quality, another quality may lose the focus it needs to stay strong. Then, as faults come to light, we become irritated with one another. 

Irritation is not inherently bad, though. In fact, In his book Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard states, "...any time we feel irritated with our spouses, that irritation is not an invitation to call our spouses to repentance but an invitation to call ourselves to repent. We are irritated because of our own lack of faith and humility." 

Goddard also quoted Catherine Thomas who said, "Much of the emotional pain that we have does not come from the love that we were not given in the past, but from the love we ourselves are not giving in the present."

If you are feeling upset with your spouse more often than not, the first thing you have to do is to focus on where you yourself could do better. Are you serving your spouse as often as you can, are you asking him about his day, are you asking him what you could do better? 

The lord taught that we are not to judge others, rather we are to strive to be "...perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect." In other words, we are to focus on our faults, fix ourselves, and let the Lord handle the rest. Either by love, our spouses will improve on their own terms, or the Lord will give us the strength of heart to endure our little pet peeves throughout life.

In the meantime, Gottman's advice from The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work suggests that we establish a routine "Six Magic Hours" per week that will maintain or even improve our affections for one another. I will share how my husband and I have applied these principles:

• "Partings.... 10 minutes/week" - Take a few minutes every time you or your spouse is leaving to say goodbye, I love you, and share at least one quick kiss. My husband leaves early every morning, and when he leaves, I am always still asleep. Yet, I can tell when he approaches my bed, and I delight in waking to give him a kiss before he locks up and leaves for the day.
• "Reunions.... 1 hour & 40 minutes/week"  Six whole seconds of either a kiss or a warm kiss paired with a stress-reducing conversation to get work off of his mind, and my stress with homework or just the kids before we pair up as a team and enjoy the rest of the day as a family. When I forget to welcome my husband home, I end up bottling up my stresses (as I'm sure he does too) and the rest of day does not feel as unified.
• "Admiration and appreciation.... 35 minutes/week" - Find a small way to help your spouse feel loved. Pick a flower for them, compliment them, thank them sincerely for their efforts, etc. 
• "Affection.... 35 minutes/week" - share a few physically pleasant moments together (not just sex). Brush their hand with yours in passing, snuggle on the couch, and always end the night with a kiss, sometimes "laced with forgiveness and tenderness" over built up irritations. Although some people may feel their stress reduced when given time to 'sleep on it,' but in sharing this brief kiss, I know that regardless of our disagreements, we are still a fond team.
• "Weekly date.... 2 hours/week" - I know it sounds like a lot (I've been struggling to plan one a month), but it actually is well-deserved and essential to a sharing a truly happy marriage. When you make this a priority, you are telling your spouse that they are your first and foremost obligation. Attend a temple session, visit a hobby store, go for a walk together, just enjoy being together. 
• "State of the union meeting.... 1 hour/week" - Gottman urges you to treat with with the same priority as the date. Just talk about how you feel your relationship is thriving, where you need help, what you enjoy, your stresses and dreams, etc. 

Finally, at times when you feel that you want to prove your spouse's love for you by waiting for it - don't! I recall many times where I've slunk away because I wasn't feeling loved and waited for my husband to figure out specifically what he'd done to offend me, find where I was, and say just the right thing to repair the situation. This will not end well for you either: he/she will be oblivious or confused, you will feel resentful, and neither of you can win.

On the other hand, if you are hungry for affection from your spouse, meet them with the same energy you desire to receive. If you want service, serve them first. If you want a date, plan one yourself. If you want time alone together, find a babysitter and make it so! The best way to feel loved, ironically, is to give love. Even though this method may not always seem to work, in the end both will benefit.

After all, whosoever loses his/her life for Christ's sake (or in charitable service and love) shall find it. (Matthew 16:25

Purest Love, Strongest Love

It's like all the fairy tale stories about finding true love. True love can overcome any evils that head your way... or can it?

Life is not a fairy tale; there is no happily ever unless you and your partner are able to endure all of your trials well and earn the right to exaltation after resurrection day. Most marriages are based on the human concept of "true love", but so many of those marriages have ended in divorce and abandonment. So what kind of love really can overcome all?

The true love of Christ is the purest and strongest form of love. This love helped him to conquer the unconquerable - death itself. Furthermore, because He loved us so much, He taught us to emulate His example in every aspect of our lives. He believes that we can love as He loves us if we put our focus on Him.

Forgive my bluntness, but the seeds of evil dwell in almost every home. "He that hath the Spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention..." (3 Nephi 11:29). Satan has deceived so many of us into believing that we can still be angry at our families, and as long as they keep the big commandments, we will be fine. "Eat, drink, and be merry; nevertheless, fear God—he will justify in committing a little sin; yea, [be angry with your spouse and children]; there is no harm in this.... and if it so be that we are guilty, God will beat us with a few stripes, and at last we shall be saved in the kingdom of God." (2 Nephi 28:8)

Satan tempts us to anger by promising a quick or even immediate reaction when we try to control others. Fighting, manipulating, and degrading others makes us feel powerful, and yet, this strategy only ends with endless retaliation and pits a man against his wife or vice versa. 

God, on the other hand, encourages us to be grateful for what we have, to treasure our family time, and basically to "be still and know that I am God" (Psalms 46:10). A friend of mine said, "the better solution [for family conflict] ALWAYS seem[s] to be the one that [takes] longer to say, to show, or to understand." 

Charity to our fellow-men requires seeing through Christ's eyes, right? But Jesus never rushed past anyone or spoke harshly in order to offend or to force compliance. When he saw a person, even somebody who was attacking, accusing, or physically maiming him, he took the time to see them for who they really were. He knew that his executioners were all hurting inside, confused by his words and his teachings, and even in his moments of sheer agony and as he lost strength to endure the weight of the world on his shoulders, he was able to forgive them. 

In short, it's time to change our views of the world. If Christ had a camera, the portraits he'd take of us would show a panorama view of the landscape of our personality: our joys, our sorrows, and our potential. Our mortal cameras are too often zoomed as close to the object as possible, the lens is smudged, and all we can see are imperfections. 



It's time to take the beam out of our own eyes, try to see our problems through our partner's eyes, and eventually, see the whole big picture that Christ was able to see from the beginning. When we allow HIS "true love" to proliferate through our families, we will have the purest and strongest love to hold our family together through whatever life may throw at us.

A Shift in Gears

Let's "shift gears" and let you start by watching this cute Disney short that will set the stage for this week's post.

Just like Mickey and his car, we have to work as a team in order to find happiness together. If you can relate all too well with the car, tired and sweltering after the heat of an argument and watching your spouse have their way over and over, you may want to buy them a copy of John M. Gottman's book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, and ask them to pay attention to the chapter on Letting Your Partner Influence You. 

As Gottman states, the fact is that if pride is allowed to lift one partner in a marriage above the other, then the marriage is 81% likely to fail. In order for man and wife to feel like equal partners, each has to give and take in turn until it no longer seems a chore, but rather an enjoyable exercise in exchanging respect one with another.

No two people can be exactly similar to one another, and that means that both of you have to adjust to each other. As we all know, the pride that can tear a marriage apart can only be reversed by accepting that our desires do not come first. H. Wallace Goddard states, "The first step is the humility to know that our perceptions are very limited. We rarely know our partner's heart of God's purposes....In the spirit of humility, we listen to our partner and we listen to God."

This change will not occur overnight. It will require the breaking of our own heart, sacrificing our will to God and in turn to our partner. Eventually, the two of you can learn to follow the pattern of God's counsels. Each of you can enlist the wisdom of God, invite the Holy Spirit to guide you, and then express your opinions on any subject. In the end, you will both agree on a course to resolve your conflicts in a way that honors both of you. 

I will leave this post with this analogy: A couple is walking through a forest, an umbrella held in front of them as the wind howls in the opposite direction. They come to a fork in the road and argue over which way they should go. After realizing that this argument is going nowhere, the couple turns to God. They kneel behind the umbrella and pray to the Lord. As they open their eyes, they find that they are no longer on the ground, but the Lord has shifted the wind to carry them both above the forest to their destination. Once again, God has shown that if we trust in Him, he will take us home to Him in ways we never could have imagined.