The Marriage Umbrella Purchase

Whenever you are buying a product, there are 3 things that you usually consider:

1. The price and if it's worth it
2. The maintenance
3. If it's covered by a warranty

If I were to compare this with marriage (and my proverbial umbrella), the price would be love. All of the love you had for the single life is transferred to the love of your significant other. As you compromise, you may even have to give up some of your individual loves for the better good of the partnership, and your partner will sacrifice some of their loves as well. However, the strong pangs of emotion convince us that no matter the cost, it is worth the sacrifice. In my experience, the sacrifices I've made have been well worth the blessings of my eternal marriage relationship.

The maintenance of a marriage "purchase" is affection and intimacy. I was challenged this week to log moments where my husband and I either asked for attention/affection (bids), and whether we turned toward each other in those moments or ignored the bid and let the moment pass. There is a ratio that I learned while doing this, that if you turn to any person 5, 6 or more times for every time you let a bid from them go, your relationship will be stronger. John Gottman, author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work calls this "Positive Sentiment Override". In other words, when you have many more positive experiences than negative, then the negative moments become irrelevant and easy to shrug off. If you maintain your relationship this way, it will be less likely to break.

Last of all, when we are making larger purchases or life decisions, we want to know that it will last and our sacrifices will not be made in vain. God offers a warranty: we keep our faith in Him and put our relationship with Him above all other priorities, even the relationship with our partner. Here is the guarantee he offers:

However, as with most warranties, the cost may be too much for many to bear. They may pass up the offer at first, but God extends his warranty to every marriage, no matter how long they have been lawfully wed. It matters not if we've faltered, if we've fallen out of love, or if we've lost our testimony; "his hand is stretched out still." (Isaiah 9:21)

Let me offer my own testimony that the marriage purchase is not one to be taken lightly. I am glad that I have involved the Lord in every step of my relationship with my husband. Turn toward the Lord, and He will impress upon you ways to turn to your partner and draw them in to turn to you as well. This will continually renew our marriage covenents and ensure that through God's warranty, our marital umbrellas will stand the test of time. 

The Love Experiment

Personally, I believe in love. I also believe that falling out of love is a lie. Let me explain with an example:

When you walk into a bakery, you are greeted by a warm sweet aroma of fresh bread. Your mouth starts to water and you are drawn in to the counter to decide which of all the tasty baked goods you'll take home. But imagine that you decide you love it all so much that you just decide to work there. You're so excited to have those fragrances constantly envelope you as you work in perfect bliss. Is this work always going to be as pleasant as you imagine? NO WAY!

The first few days, weeks, or months later, your nose will adjust to your work environment. You will start to focus more on the hours of mixing, lifting, frosting, etc that you'll have to do each day. The same things you used to taste will start tasting bland. You may realize that you dislike the boss, your coworkers, or the whiny customers.

Is it true that you now hate donuts, cupcakes, pastries, or hot bread fresh from the oven? I highly doubt that! You've simply started to let the ever-changing hardships of the environment overwhelm the ever-constant goodness of your original interest in the bakery. You can quit the job at the bakery claiming that you hate it all, or you can come back to where you started and create something new!

You cook up a batch of your favorite recipes from home and impress your boss, you share with your coworkers and shrug off the offensive things others have said. You smile and think about how lucky you are to have a job in such a productive and savory business.

When you go back to the roots of any romance or make an effort to build a friendship, you will find it easier to see the sunshine through the clouds. Through effort to fuel the fire, things contrary to your interests will fade and the intimacy can mature and evolve in ways you never thought possible.

Love expert John Gottman calls this technique "building love maps". If you ever fear that you are falling out of love or straying from the path you saw your marriage taking, these maps draw you back where you want to be. It requires preparation and consistent effort, but where love once was, it generally will remain. It may just be hidden beneath a pile of rubbish.

Take the case of two very different friends, Penny and Sheldon from the tv show The Big Bang Theory. They are nigh absolutely incompatible as lovers (sorry Shenny fans) but chose to experiment with the 36 Questions experiment to see if they could find new affections for each other. They did not fall head over heels for each other in a single episode, but they found new appreciations for each other. Imagine what that could do for two partners in a marriage? Are you ready to try? http://36questionsinlove.com/

If this experiment does you any good, you may want to try all of the endorsed Love Map exercises published in John Gottman's book 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work. It's time to nurture the relationship that once made us ecstatic with joy but has faded to a dreary gray:

• Earn a degree in your partner, course by course, by learning what they like (Fireproof)
• Take time out with your love, make new memories with weekly dates!
• Talk to each other about your dreams, worries, and life in general.
• In other words, be that someone's umbrella:

Are you committing umbrella sabotage?

Do I have to tell the story

Of a thousand rainy days since we first met?

It's a big enough umbrella

But it's always me that's getting wet.

(Every Little Thing She Does is Magic by The Police)

If our marriage is a proverbial umbrella that shields us from the trials of life, it's important to not hog it and allow our partner to get wet. Now every marriage is not perfect, and there are arguments betwixt every partnership, but there are ways to resolve conflict without stabbing holes in our umbrellas. 

According to John Gottman in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he refers to 4 weapons couples use against each other that often signify the apocalypse of the marriage commitment. In other words, if these horsemen are invited into conversations often, they punch holes in metaphorical umbrellas. Marriages involving these horsemen may very well be headed to divorce.

Before I start listing them, I wish to settle one thing. It is necessary for men and women to disagree, for us to state the needs we have that haven't been met, and to not sweep complaints under the rug. However, it's important to do so in a way that states our feelings and does NOT degrade the other person. Be aware for the following horsemen, and if you can identify one, do your best to uninvite them from your conversations:

1. Criticism - You employ the first horsemen whenever you attack your partner with your words. If you can change your statements to "What's wrong with you?" or even if you can add the statement to your phrasing, you are criticizing.  
2. Contempt - You invite the second horseman by name-calling, assigning negative adjectives to your opposite that break down their character, or by being sarcastic.
3. Defensiveness - When you try and shift blame rather than accepting responsibility (and we all know that both sides share some of the responsibility), you fan the flames of debate. This can be sparked by being indignant, whining, attacking back, or acting like a martyr or like they are the only one hurting the other.
4. Stonewalling - This is best referred to as the silent treatment. When you stop participating and responding, it seems to your partner that you have given up. Now, I understand that sometimes this is unavoidable because arguments can overload your mind, but it's a deadly sign if you've reached the point where you can't even continue to argue.

Disagreements are natural and inevitable, but the goal is to handle these fragile topics in a safe and healthy way. Asking for a break is not considered stonewalling, rather Gottman refers to it as a "repair attempt". These attempts can also include inside jokes, apologies, accepting responsibility, and basically anything that can cool a heated disputation. When friendships are more important than winning or being right, couples can quell the storm and attack issues together using these attempts, rather than exacerbating the problem by building frustration upon frustration until the camel's back is broken. 

When there are concerns, speak with your partner using statements where you state how you feel when something happens. To women readers, men want to know whether you want suggestions to resolve the problem or just sympathy. Be straightforward, and your man will know better how to help you be happy. To male readers, women internalize complaints and often believe that your problems are her fault. Make sure to console her, tell her it's not her fault and that you want to find a solution with her. Ask her opinion!

If all couples were to argue in more even-tones, our marital umbrellas would work more effectively. Nobody should give up the protection of the umbrella when it is big enough for both people. Obviously, The Police didn't mind braving thousands of storms because they loved "every little thing" their gal did. It is my hope that people who read this blog, or even Gottman's book, may find a way to stay shielded comfortably with their husband or wife underneath their "umbrellas".

My love goes on

I've loved the song "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic" by The Police since I was a little girl. Just in case you are not familiar with the song, you can listen to it by following this link.

If we take the words of this song and compare them to real life, it is unfortunate that so many people "get wet" despite having marital umbrellas. However, there are ways to reinforce our marriages so that they can stand the test of time. After all, Heavenly Father intends for our unions to last throughout eternity, but first we need to learn how to take care of it.

Despite common belief that it's only fair for both partners in a marriage to give 50% to their spouse and keep 50% to themselves, this strategy is self-serving and will weaken the relationship over time. Is there anything else in our lives that should matter as much as our families and is worthy of 50% of our time? Definitely not!

In order for us to care for our marriages, we must remember the infinite nature of our covenant. Our first priority is our own spiritual salvation, and we cannot achieve this without being sealed as man and wife in this life and the next. Therefore, nothing should mean more to us than nurturing the relationship we have with our sweethearts.

God, in his divine genius, established marriage so that we could learn how to grow into our full potential and to help build our partner to their potential as well. If we were to have the true love of Christ enter our marriage, we would resolve conflicts in respectful and confidence building ways. This requires true and active listening, and generous compromising with our significant other. When we build our partner's confidence, as in Johnny Lingo, they become more and more beautiful to us, and thereby we become more and more beautiful to them as well. What better way to prepare for eternity with one another?

As in the song, if we look for "every little thing" our husband or wife does as if it "is magic" then we will be able to deal with the smaller trials of life, or sprinkles of rain that get us despite the umbrella's protection, but we will do it with the same excitement and zeal as The Police in their song:

Every little thing she does is magic

Everything she do just turns me on

Even though my life before was tragic

Now I know my love for her goes on. 

Duct tape is not as good as you think

The world right now loves duct tape. It can make anybody feel like we can fix anything and make anything work the way we want it to. But is it true that it can fix anything? What about same-sex marriage? Can we use duct tape to replace the umbrella that represents marriage? 

Let's see... 

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BEHOLD! The duct-tape umbrella:

Would you trust this umbrella? Maybe for a while, yes. Duct tape can be waterproof. It'll protect you from most of the rain and sleet, but over time it grows brittle. The rain will ruin the adhesive, and it will fall apart. Oh, but the world has endorsed this umbrella, and has just recently started handing them out to tens of thousands of male-male or female-female couples. But God does not, will not, and cannot endorse these. They cannot fold up to let the sun (blessings) in, and they ultimately will not last.

The only umbrellas that will truly endure the storms of life are those manufactured, delivered, and guaranteed by the eternal designer and creator of marriage: the Almighty God!

Now I have to jump off the umbrella analogy and speak with all seriousness:

I feel sorry that people feel justified in attacking LGBT individuals or couples, treating them as inferiors, and denying them of human rights. These rights include the right to have jobs, educations, and homes, and the right to feel safe and unthreatened. They deserve to have friends who appreciate them, and especially to have families because family is what brings the greatest joy and security in anybody's life. 

But the biggest reason my heart breaks for my LGBT fellow men and women is that they are placing their souls on the altar of homosexuality, and will, in the end, lose their rights to eternal life. I'm sure that some people are genetically predisposed to have attractions to the same human, but they still are agents of their own destiny. Their choices determine who they ultimately are, and where their loyalties lie. 

And yet, I digress. Their loyalties do not lie to me. I am not their judge, but a loving and concerned sister. I can argue all day and try to convince others to have the same opinions, but all it will do is awaken arguments and contention. I've tried too often to speak fairly with others about this issue, and I know that all they do is make me feel worse and maybe even guilty of pushing them away.

So, I would simply encourage emulating the examples of the apostles, prophet, and Christ himself. Stand as examples of true marriage, but with love for all other beliefs. Christ said, "go and sin no more", but even he in his perfection would not throw stones of persecution. Nobody is guilty for being tempted, we all have our own temptations, and we all sin differently. The only difference is whether we repent of our sins or justify them to the world. 

In the end, I love my gay and lesbian friends, and I want to tell them all that they are not incompatible with our church and our beliefs. For more info, please view this LDS endorsed website: Mormons and Gays. 

Eventually, the world will come to realize that the duct tape umbrella, although trendy, is not a viable substitution for one designed by the expert. Until then, let's show charity to all men and let our light so shine.