When you walk into a bakery, you are greeted by a warm sweet aroma of fresh bread. Your mouth starts to water and you are drawn in to the counter to decide which of all the tasty baked goods you'll take home. But imagine that you decide you love it all so much that you just decide to work there. You're so excited to have those fragrances constantly envelope you as you work in perfect bliss. Is this work always going to be as pleasant as you imagine? NO WAY!
The first few days, weeks, or months later, your nose will adjust to your work environment. You will start to focus more on the hours of mixing, lifting, frosting, etc that you'll have to do each day. The same things you used to taste will start tasting bland. You may realize that you dislike the boss, your coworkers, or the whiny customers.
Is it true that you now hate donuts, cupcakes, pastries, or hot bread fresh from the oven? I highly doubt that! You've simply started to let the ever-changing hardships of the environment overwhelm the ever-constant goodness of your original interest in the bakery. You can quit the job at the bakery claiming that you hate it all, or you can come back to where you started and create something new!
You cook up a batch of your favorite recipes from home and impress your boss, you share with your coworkers and shrug off the offensive things others have said. You smile and think about how lucky you are to have a job in such a productive and savory business.
When you go back to the roots of any romance or make an effort to build a friendship, you will find it easier to see the sunshine through the clouds. Through effort to fuel the fire, things contrary to your interests will fade and the intimacy can mature and evolve in ways you never thought possible.
Love expert John Gottman calls this technique "building love maps". If you ever fear that you are falling out of love or straying from the path you saw your marriage taking, these maps draw you back where you want to be. It requires preparation and consistent effort, but where love once was, it generally will remain. It may just be hidden beneath a pile of rubbish.
Take the case of two very different friends, Penny and Sheldon from the tv show The Big Bang Theory. They are nigh absolutely incompatible as lovers (sorry Shenny fans) but chose to experiment with the 36 Questions experiment to see if they could find new affections for each other. They did not fall head over heels for each other in a single episode, but they found new appreciations for each other. Imagine what that could do for two partners in a marriage? Are you ready to try? http://36questionsinlove.com/
If this experiment does you any good, you may want to try all of the endorsed Love Map exercises published in John Gottman's book 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work. It's time to nurture the relationship that once made us ecstatic with joy but has faded to a dreary gray:
- Earn a degree in your partner, course by course, by learning what they like (Fireproof)
- Take time out with your love, make new memories with weekly dates!
- Talk to each other about your dreams, worries, and life in general.
- In other words, be that someone's umbrella:
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