Are you committing umbrella sabotage?

Do I have to tell the story

Of a thousand rainy days since we first met?

It's a big enough umbrella

But it's always me that's getting wet.

(Every Little Thing She Does is Magic by The Police)

If our marriage is a proverbial umbrella that shields us from the trials of life, it's important to not hog it and allow our partner to get wet. Now every marriage is not perfect, and there are arguments betwixt every partnership, but there are ways to resolve conflict without stabbing holes in our umbrellas. 

According to John Gottman in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he refers to 4 weapons couples use against each other that often signify the apocalypse of the marriage commitment. In other words, if these horsemen are invited into conversations often, they punch holes in metaphorical umbrellas. Marriages involving these horsemen may very well be headed to divorce.

Before I start listing them, I wish to settle one thing. It is necessary for men and women to disagree, for us to state the needs we have that haven't been met, and to not sweep complaints under the rug. However, it's important to do so in a way that states our feelings and does NOT degrade the other person. Be aware for the following horsemen, and if you can identify one, do your best to uninvite them from your conversations:

1. Criticism - You employ the first horsemen whenever you attack your partner with your words. If you can change your statements to "What's wrong with you?" or even if you can add the statement to your phrasing, you are criticizing.  
2. Contempt - You invite the second horseman by name-calling, assigning negative adjectives to your opposite that break down their character, or by being sarcastic.
3. Defensiveness - When you try and shift blame rather than accepting responsibility (and we all know that both sides share some of the responsibility), you fan the flames of debate. This can be sparked by being indignant, whining, attacking back, or acting like a martyr or like they are the only one hurting the other.
4. Stonewalling - This is best referred to as the silent treatment. When you stop participating and responding, it seems to your partner that you have given up. Now, I understand that sometimes this is unavoidable because arguments can overload your mind, but it's a deadly sign if you've reached the point where you can't even continue to argue.

Disagreements are natural and inevitable, but the goal is to handle these fragile topics in a safe and healthy way. Asking for a break is not considered stonewalling, rather Gottman refers to it as a "repair attempt". These attempts can also include inside jokes, apologies, accepting responsibility, and basically anything that can cool a heated disputation. When friendships are more important than winning or being right, couples can quell the storm and attack issues together using these attempts, rather than exacerbating the problem by building frustration upon frustration until the camel's back is broken. 

When there are concerns, speak with your partner using statements where you state how you feel when something happens. To women readers, men want to know whether you want suggestions to resolve the problem or just sympathy. Be straightforward, and your man will know better how to help you be happy. To male readers, women internalize complaints and often believe that your problems are her fault. Make sure to console her, tell her it's not her fault and that you want to find a solution with her. Ask her opinion!

If all couples were to argue in more even-tones, our marital umbrellas would work more effectively. Nobody should give up the protection of the umbrella when it is big enough for both people. Obviously, The Police didn't mind braving thousands of storms because they loved "every little thing" their gal did. It is my hope that people who read this blog, or even Gottman's book, may find a way to stay shielded comfortably with their husband or wife underneath their "umbrellas".