A Look In the Mirror

Even the best marriages require a lot of attention and care in order to maintain its loving quality. As humans, even when we've worked hard to fix an issue in our marriage, by focusing on one quality, another quality may lose the focus it needs to stay strong. Then, as faults come to light, we become irritated with one another. 

Irritation is not inherently bad, though. In fact, In his book Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard states, "...any time we feel irritated with our spouses, that irritation is not an invitation to call our spouses to repentance but an invitation to call ourselves to repent. We are irritated because of our own lack of faith and humility." 

Goddard also quoted Catherine Thomas who said, "Much of the emotional pain that we have does not come from the love that we were not given in the past, but from the love we ourselves are not giving in the present."

If you are feeling upset with your spouse more often than not, the first thing you have to do is to focus on where you yourself could do better. Are you serving your spouse as often as you can, are you asking him about his day, are you asking him what you could do better? 

The lord taught that we are not to judge others, rather we are to strive to be "...perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect." In other words, we are to focus on our faults, fix ourselves, and let the Lord handle the rest. Either by love, our spouses will improve on their own terms, or the Lord will give us the strength of heart to endure our little pet peeves throughout life.

In the meantime, Gottman's advice from The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work suggests that we establish a routine "Six Magic Hours" per week that will maintain or even improve our affections for one another. I will share how my husband and I have applied these principles:

• "Partings.... 10 minutes/week" - Take a few minutes every time you or your spouse is leaving to say goodbye, I love you, and share at least one quick kiss. My husband leaves early every morning, and when he leaves, I am always still asleep. Yet, I can tell when he approaches my bed, and I delight in waking to give him a kiss before he locks up and leaves for the day.
• "Reunions.... 1 hour & 40 minutes/week"  Six whole seconds of either a kiss or a warm kiss paired with a stress-reducing conversation to get work off of his mind, and my stress with homework or just the kids before we pair up as a team and enjoy the rest of the day as a family. When I forget to welcome my husband home, I end up bottling up my stresses (as I'm sure he does too) and the rest of day does not feel as unified.
• "Admiration and appreciation.... 35 minutes/week" - Find a small way to help your spouse feel loved. Pick a flower for them, compliment them, thank them sincerely for their efforts, etc. 
• "Affection.... 35 minutes/week" - share a few physically pleasant moments together (not just sex). Brush their hand with yours in passing, snuggle on the couch, and always end the night with a kiss, sometimes "laced with forgiveness and tenderness" over built up irritations. Although some people may feel their stress reduced when given time to 'sleep on it,' but in sharing this brief kiss, I know that regardless of our disagreements, we are still a fond team.
• "Weekly date.... 2 hours/week" - I know it sounds like a lot (I've been struggling to plan one a month), but it actually is well-deserved and essential to a sharing a truly happy marriage. When you make this a priority, you are telling your spouse that they are your first and foremost obligation. Attend a temple session, visit a hobby store, go for a walk together, just enjoy being together. 
• "State of the union meeting.... 1 hour/week" - Gottman urges you to treat with with the same priority as the date. Just talk about how you feel your relationship is thriving, where you need help, what you enjoy, your stresses and dreams, etc. 

Finally, at times when you feel that you want to prove your spouse's love for you by waiting for it - don't! I recall many times where I've slunk away because I wasn't feeling loved and waited for my husband to figure out specifically what he'd done to offend me, find where I was, and say just the right thing to repair the situation. This will not end well for you either: he/she will be oblivious or confused, you will feel resentful, and neither of you can win.

On the other hand, if you are hungry for affection from your spouse, meet them with the same energy you desire to receive. If you want service, serve them first. If you want a date, plan one yourself. If you want time alone together, find a babysitter and make it so! The best way to feel loved, ironically, is to give love. Even though this method may not always seem to work, in the end both will benefit.

After all, whosoever loses his/her life for Christ's sake (or in charitable service and love) shall find it. (Matthew 16:25